Dear all husbands that feel the need to kill their pregnant wives,

Please don’t. Don’t get me wrong, I understand the many valid reasons you have for getting rid of your wife and/or the unborn baby. But when you ponder “while she is pregnant you can kill both birds with one stone”…please….stop thinking. All that does is feed the media more bullshit news stories that I am frankly sick and tired of. You realize, of course, being the baby’s daddy and the fact that MSNBC sucks major balls you will be perpetrated, and in the eyes of society seen as guilty 48 hours after her “disappearance”, several months before the trial even begins. Wouldn’t it be nice if due process fucks up and set you free? It’s bastards like MSNBC that stand in your window of mistrial opportunity. Now, lets take a quick look at the steps you could take to achieve your goals but avoid the inquisitive eyes of the media.

Sure, it may take a little bit longer…but it will keep you out of the slammer, because, this nation (and MSNBC) don’t care about the dead unless the killer was black or the woman was carrying a baby. Shit, I don’t even think the police would even care much.

Not only would you save your self from a lifetime supply of ass-raping in jail, you would appease the people in the country that don’t give a shit that you failed out of med school and now must kill your wife because you don’t have the balls to let her find out. Maybe if people like you did not kill their pregnant wives, the news would, god forbid, report news that actually matters. People that actually give a damn would not have to search for real news. People like you have turned The Daily Show into a more legitimate news source than most of the dedicated news channels. You’re the reason why MSNBC is a network, their “Wifekiller 9000” radar technology will be rendered useless after your redemption. By abstaining from murder temporarily, you will defeat their evil power forever. Once MSNBC falls, the rest of the networks will stop their reporting, once the Wifekiller 9000 radar technology parishes with MSNBC they will have no reliable source of shit. Use your mind! Save our minds from mindless dribble! It is your Patriotic Duty to abstain from murdering your wife while carrying your child. It will starve MSNBC into obscurity, save millions of wasted hours (boosting productivity and the economy), and best of all…you wont go to jail. Just think about my proposal Mr. Skumbag and think before you throw her into the lake.

With Love,

Daniel W. Diamond

P.S. If you decide to throw her into the lake anyways, be sure to tie enough concrete to her feet.

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