Tuesday, August 17, 2004
Urbana, IL
Alan Keyes (R-MD IL) and Barack Obama (D-IL)
An Illinois Senatorial Debate

Moderator: Hello and welcome to the 1st debate of the 2004 Illinois Senate race. Our two candidates today are the charismatic Democrat starlit Barack Obama, State Senator from the South Side of Chicago, and repeatedly failed talk show host and Maryland native, the washed up Alan Keyes. Today we will be discussing the issues that adversely affect Illinois today.

Audience:

Moderator: First issue, for Alan Keyes. Illinois is an industrial state that has lost many manufacturing jobs over the last several decades, how should the state attempt to reclaim the jobs?

Keyes: Well that’s funny Tom. You know what is a real job producer? Cotton. Everyone these days talks about “black unemployment”…before the Civil War the cotton industry employed almost every African American alive. If we brought cotton to Illinois it would reduce overall unemployment by several percentage points…unemployment would completely evaporate within the black community. I know what is best for the black community because I’m black.

Moderator: *shakes head* Illinois is too cold for cotton production, Alan….maybe you would know that if you didn’t just get off a plane from Maryland. Not to mention…you are scratching at 400 years of taboo history. Barack Obama, same question.

Obama: From the retarded mill worker with no insurance in Rock Island to some dipshit that lost his job in Decatur. Illinois needs a new mindset. We must build the future together. It hurts our own civil liberties when these people don’t have jobs. It hurts the greatness of this nation, the fiber it was founded on. We must work together. E pluribus unum!

Moderator: Thank you Barack, your ramblings yet again have said nothing of substance but still woo the public to fall in love with you.

Obama: E pluribus unum!

Moderator: That’s enough….quit it.

Moderator: State Senator Obama, why are you qualified to be in the congressional senate?

Obama: My dad was a Kenyan spearchucker, my mother Kansas white trash. They had a dream, of a free and happy life in America. My father licked goat balls to support us…until he left when I was two because he was nothing more than a broke ass nigger with an accent. But I had a dream. A dream that every American could be something great, like a senator….so why not me? I’m anybody.

Moderator: No you aren’t. You were the first African American to edit the Harvard Law Review, you spearheaded an initiative to register over 100,000 inner city voters and have served two terms as State Senator for the 13th district. At least be honest about your goddamn credentials and stop living in the fuckin sky.

Moderator: Alan Keyes, why, after blasting Hilary Clinton for her carpetbag Senatorial campaign in New York just four years ago are you carpetbagging to Illinois, which is ironically Hilary’s home state?

Keyes: Well now…I err…uhh…to answer your question diplomatically….I just changed my mind about carpetbagging…ok? Is it ok for someone to change their mind? Is that illegal? Should I be shot? Huh?

Moderator: Yea, probably but that isn’t the point….the point is you are a hypocritical doushebag that has absolutely no chance of being elected.

Moderator: If there was one thing you could change about this nation today, what would it be? Barack, you answer first.

Obama: I wish that a kid with a funny name actually had a chance

Moderator: Damnit Barack…you are going to win the damn election so shut the fuck up about the name shit. It isn’t cute anymore. Alan, your answer?

Keyes: Poor people. They need to go….

Moderator: Burn

Moderator: To get my cheap shot in, both of you are pretty fucking white. Which one of you is whiter?

Obama: Alan Keyes is the whitest man alive.

Keyes: Obama has hated blacks ever since his black daddy left him at the age of two.

Moderator: For once Mr. Keyes made a good point. It seems quite possible that Obama deep inside himself despises black people because his closest representation of one was a real bunk ass loser. Obama may only hold his realm of influence over the black community out of skin color convenience but deep inside really hates his constituency.

*Although I disagree with a few of Obama’s stances (i.e. affirmative action), I would like to point out here that Barack Obama is probably a very good man, and I have a feeling his autobiography (which is supposedly wonderful) probably talks about what has been said about his father/identity in this debate. Unlike Keyes, Barack Obama is not some carpet bagging whore. His background, advocacies, and tenure in the State legislature slate him to be an excellent senator come November…just getting that out of the way. Vote for Obama.

Moderator: Alan Keyes, how should the issue of gay marriage be handled in both the state and the nation?

Keyes: You see Tom, gays are not people. If you don’t reproduce like the Lord above intended, you are simply not human. If it was up to me all gays and people who choose abortion should be shot.

Moderator: Kill yourself.

Moderator: Unfortunately we are out of time…it is pathetic that we only got to one, arguably two or three real issue today, it probably has to do with the lack of comedic value in monotonous populist leftist vs. whack-job right answers.

Judging from the race today, this is how I predict the race to turn out.

* Normally Grundy, Will, McHenry, Kane and possibly Lake Counties would have voted republican if Alan Keyes didn’t suck quite so much. DuPage County is one of the most republican places in the United States and would vote for Hitler if he ran on a GOP ticket. Kane County is probably the same way but I’m lazy.

** The shit stain brown in Cook Co. is the location of Oak Park, IL, a true shit stain that can be read about here

*** The other 94 Illinois “downstate” counties refused to vote in this race after realizing both opponents were black.

**** Except for “Little Egypt”, the far southern tip of Illinois, aptly named because it is probably poorer than the real one. Little Egypt did not participate in any elections because nobody there knows how to read. If they did know how to read the statement for *** would have applied.

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